Why are we so triggered when someone says boundaries?

If we have boundaries, we can handle boundaries.

But seriously, how triggering is that word for you? Especially in light of how our world is right now with all those hard borders, lockdowns, quarantines and mandates. What I’m talking about here, are personal boundaries that help us feel safe, respected and respectful to ourselves and others. Some prefer words like edges, lines, choices or contracts. Boundaries works fine for me.

Thank goodness I met a woman while I was still in my thirties who gave me a fresh concept of what being a female with clear boundaries was about.  It was about 14 years ago and I was a nervous fledgling energy worker. In fact, I was a flighty, fledgling energy worker. I was reasonably certain this was not the world I felt most comfortable in and would have scooted right on out of it, had this influential mentor not been in my life. She not only reassured me with her words and healing sessions but also embodied the kind of nonchalant regard for approval and acceptance that most of us have only witnessed in men.

It was a bit confronting at first but then I thought, “Hell yes! This is how we can be liberated from the prison of caring so effing much about what other people think of us.”

This isn’t exclusively a feminine issue but if we’re completely honest, it mostly is right? If you identify as female, chances are your childhood female role models weren’t super-great at setting clear personal boundaries. Neither were their mothers or grandmothers. Hence our world of inequality, culturally normalised discrimination and oppression, trauma, relationship problems and stress.

And hey, I’m certainly no expert in this topic but having gotten this far through life, I’ve managed to learn some things about my needs and how to assert them. Because essentially, that’s what boundaries are; having an awareness of our needs and preferences and communicating them without apology or fear. Here’s my take on what typically gets in the way of having good boundaries.

Six common barriers to healthy boundaries:

1. Fear of rejection and its cousin, fawning (I need you to like me for me to feel safe)
2. Low self-worth
3. Judging others to be rude or uncaring when they set boundaries
4. Experiencing negative feedback  (or aforementioned feelings of rejection) when we assert ourselves
5. Not even realising we have needs that deserve to be met
6. Holding the false view that to keep others happy is our highest role in life

And so, ticking off the ways we struggle to assert ourselves is step number one. Recognise, own and accept. Now, how about we take a look at some strategies to improve our confidence with setting clear boundaries in our intimate relationships, friendships and workplaces.

Beginning within

First up, there’s some healing of unhelpful beliefs and self-concepts to be done. If we persist with the belief that others are more important than us, or that we can only feel safe if others consistently view us as a ‘nice person’, then we ain’t getting very far. This is essentially a process of establishing a stable sense of self that is unaffected by how other people view us. This can take time and you may benefit from speaking with a professional therapist about it.

Only once we begin prioritising our own needs without any guilt, can we feel safe to express what we want and don’t want, to those around us. This can be a tricky dance that takes years to master but it’s so worth the effort. It’s a process of self-empowerment.

Reading books by Clarissa Pinkola Estes such as Women Who Run with the Wolves, can be a wonderful help. Also reading books by Glennon Doyle (Untamed), Brene Brown (Rising Strong), Byron Katie (Loving What Is), Louise L. Hay (You Can Heal Your Life) and Caroline Myss (Sacred Contracts) would be grand.

Learn how to say no

But what to do first up? Well begin where you are and learn how to read your internal yes and no. Next time you’re asked to do something, before answering, pause and tune into your heart, is it a yes, or is it a no? If you’re not sure, feel free to respond with; “I’m not sure, can I get back to you?” And then, be prepared to disappoint people and even to let them down. It’s okay, they will survive and so will your relationship with them if they care about you and your needs.

This boundary-setting stuff can feel pretty scary at first, so begin with small things and the people closest to you and then expand into the harder realms of friendships and work. It’s about being true to yourself and clear with others, that’s all. Let me know how you go.