Why claim my Autistic identity when I pass as neurotypical?

For the first 52 years of my life, I thought I was highly sensitive, smart, well-educated, intuitive, spiritually aware and I guess, weird, quirky, different. When I finally joined the dots on being Autistic, it was a true lightbulb moment. It was exhilarating to know a great deal more about my brain and to join a community that can celebrate me. It was also, disorientating to have to revise everything I’d previously thought about myself and plug neurodivergence into the mix.

As a child, I had many of the classic Autistic traits. You can read more about this in my article, Why it took me so long to realise I’m Autistic. What I highlight in this post, is how different Autism can look in girls and how clever we are, especially as we often have excellent verbal skills, in mimicking others, hiding our feelings and controlling our physical urges. This is called masking.

I masked and I hid among familiar people

Because I took my primary school friends to high school, the inevitable unveiling of my social unease and awkwardness (in the allistic world) was delayed until I began uni. Until then, I knew I was shy and preferred to be around people I knew, but I figured it was a self-confidence thing, not related to having a different brain.

At around the same time, I discovered new age spirituality and really got into books by Louise Hay and Wayne Dyer. My thoughts determine my reality? Cool! I could use my mind to control myself better and manage the world around me with greater skill. So appealing to a mind that tends to think very literally and in black and white rules and hypotheses.

I also discovered kinesiology as a healing tool and was blown away when my kinesiologist successfully diagnosed an underactive thyroid and treated it with herbs and kinesiology. It felt amazing because I felt my energy return and I’ve had no thyroid issues since. I then accessed kinesiology on and off for a few years and discovered a love for yoga and meditation.

Maybe I’m just spiritually minded?

Having always been very perceptive of other people’s energy and emotions, I eventually discovered my intuitive abilities. This came after feeling I couldn’t work as a psychologist when my kids came along, due to the mental/emotional load being too much, and then studying to be a kinesiologist and a flower essence practitioner in my mid-thirties.

The basic theme that’s run through my life, is that I’m sensitive and can’t do all of the same things other people seem to be able to do in terms of juggling work, study, homelife, health, friendships, being a mum and wife (I still don’t understand the wife role really). In my late thirties I settled on looking after my wellbeing and being a decent mum. Everything else came next.

But gosh I’ve been hard on myself. I wasn’t a significant contributor to the family income until I was close to fifty and I although I always had ambitions to do more, be more, particularly as a complimentary therapist, it just never came off. No matter how hard I tried. Now that I understand I’m Autistic, it all makes more sense and I can let go of being so self-critical and unrealistic.

So why go public and speak openly about my Autistic traits, when for 52 years I passed as a neurotypical person?

Why be open about it? So many good reasons. First, and most importantly, it allows me to be a whole and authentic person. That’s such a strong value for me and it lets me feel safe and seen without artifice. Second, having done a lot of extra learning in the neurodivergent world, I’m in a privileged position to know where I fit. I’ve come across plenty of people just like me. Don’t we all deserve to find our tribe? I feel it’s important I put my hand up so that others who need to see me, get that moment of clarity and know they belong in this tribe too.

Since embracing my neurodivergence, I’ve definitely experienced some struggles with shame, fear, insecurity and second-guessing myself. But it’s been worth it for the liberation to drop eye contact in conversations with neurokin, be less controlling of my urge to info dump (again, with neurokin), and just behave in quirky ways that feel natural to me. Such as writing really long sentences in my own voice, and moving my body spontaneously, whenever.

I now feel safe to be me.

Is being Autistic the most important thing about me? Probably not, but it’s a great explanation for how my brain works and why I’m so sensitive, so why not integrate this identity and embrace all that I am?

How does this little story land for you? Please drop me an email or leave a comment in my Instagram posts to continue the conversation.