Why it took me so long to realise I’m Autistic

At the fairly ripe old age of 52, I finally worked out that I’m neurodivergent and that I identify with the characteristics of Autism. I’m a mum of two grown-up kids and a mini-schnauzer, wife, psychologist, spiritual mentor, astrologer, yogi, meditator, nature-lover and passionate life-long learner.

So, whether you’re here as a curious neurotypical person, someone who’s starting to identify with the Autistic characteristics, or, as a confirmed neurodivergent human, I hope this article is both enlightening and comforting.

How did this happen?

There are two themes relating to my experience as an Autistic cis female (who didn’t know she was) that I want to cover. The first relates to historical context and the second, to environment and choices. The choices part is where I might share something that strikes you as controversial. But I’ll let you decide.

First, I’d like to explore the reality that many women get well into adulthood before they become aware of their neurodivergent status, and then get the chance to embrace it. The embracing is a whole other journey! Let’s stay with the moment of realisation or for many, assessment results. Just to be clear though, self-diagnosis is totally valid in this space.

We’re on the cusp of a revolution of neuro-identity and the elevation of what it means to be neurodivergent.

I’ve been on a steep learning curve. In 2020 I was a lapsed psychologist who returned to the profession thinking labels like Autism, ADHD and Dyslexia, meant that people had disorders, rather than simply having brains that are different from the majority. It’s now emerging there are a wide range of neuro-types, and that just because our culture is dominated by a particular type (or narrow bandwidth of types), it doesn’t mean the others are deficient or for goodness sake, ‘disordered’.

Why do the boys get all the attention?

Women and girls have historically been left out of the criteria used to qualify people as Autistic, simply because they present differently, and sometimes more subtly, than their male counterparts. To give you an idea, here’s a snapshot of how I presented as a child:

• Smiling yet intensely shy with strangers – but the biggest talker among close friends and family
• Blank-faced and mute in public places
• Strong fear of new people, places and experiences
• Meltdowns due to sensory overwhelm and separation anxiety (then labelled tantrums)
• Sensory sensitivities – sound, visual, textures on skin, pain
• A very good and quiet girl in the classroom
• Academically bright –  especially with reading, writing and memorising
• Difficulty deciphering deceptive or jokey storytelling – seen as gullible
• A loyal and consistent friend with a preference for being with one friend at a time
• Strong interest in fine detail and things being correct
• Blunt and factual communication style – attachment to rules
• Strong reactions (meltdowns) to sudden changes in plans
• Delayed physical coordination and strength but by 10 years performed well at running and sport

There’s more, but these are the standouts. You can see how some of these characteristics would have passed for ‘normal,’ meaning neurotypical. To a large degree, my accompanying high emotional sensitivity and anxiety played out internally, and invisible to others. This is called masking.

We’re actually very clever

Like many girls, I did my absolute best to study how other kids behaved and I became a skilled mimic. This is one of the key reasons, girls and women fly under the radar when it comes to being diagnosed. We’re often highly perceptive and analytical, which allows us to refine and keep improving how we present. This explains why many Autistic girls don’t experience difficulties in their friendships until puberty. Younger children just aren’t sophisticated enough to spot the differences that set us apart from the majority.

These days, mental health practitioners are getting better at spotting Autistic traits in girls and women, and providing the information and guidance that leads to assessment and confirmation. This is pretty important, because to know ourselves better is to know what choices we need to make in order to have a happy life.

The nature-nurture soup – environment and choices

Which brings me to why I think it took me so long to work out that I’m Autistic. Firstly, there was what I shared here about girls going under the radar. Secondly, once I was an adult, there was very little information available on the sheer variety of Autistic presentations, not to mention, any affirming language in the psychiatric and psychological worlds, that would make it in any way appealing to identify as Autistic.

Finally, having benefited from a stable upbringing with loving parents and consistent friends, plus my early adulthood focus on self-care, healing and spiritual growth, I managed to gather in just enough supports, beliefs and practices, to bolster my self-confidence and help me make wise choices.

Even at 20, I felt a real sense of agency when it came to defining my personal needs to avoid or remedy overwhelm, boredom, over-stimulation, or anxiety. Certainly wasn’t perfect though.

And ta da! Here’s the controversial part: I truly believe kinesiology, herbal medicine, flower essences and other modalities such as Reiki, Body Talk, Osteopathy, essential oils, massage, sound, dance, meditation, mantra, music and yoga have played vital roles in calming my nervous system, enhancing energy flow, facilitating emotional healing and building my trust in my intuition.

Without these incredible healing tools and the people who facilitate them, I don’t feel I would have the life I have today. They formed a fairly secure scaffold around me, that allowed me to feel I was coping okay in the neurotypical, or ‘allistic’ world.

Do you have a similar story? Do you feel confident about knowing your neuro-type?

Disclaimer

Please know this is just my personal experience and not intended as a diagnostic tool, treatment recommendation or solution for anything at all. When I write these blogs I’m not offering psychological advice or pretending to be an expert in any area. To learn more, try these links:

Powered by Love blog post – A comprehensive list of lesser known autistic traits shared by disability advocate and speaker, Heather R. Morgan

The Spiral Lab  – YouTube interview with Devon Price, author of “Unmasking Autism”

Young, visible and ND – a vibrant, passionate young Australian neurodivergent woman and her book “Different, Not Less”