Ending the perfectionism and punishment cycle
I’ve learned a thing or two about self care these last two decades. My anxiety, low self-worth, perfectionism, sponge-like empathy and high need for approval as a young adult saw me using deprivation and dissociation as tools for self-improvement and to feel safe.
The way I controlled my inner world was reflected in the way I attempted to control my outer experiences and the people around me. I was blunt yet smiley, alert all the time, eager to be helpful but not especially generous, socially anxious and awkward, and very very hard on myself. Get it right girl! Run, restrict pleasure, be vigilant, rush, scold, deprive, achieve and control feelings. Most importantly, do not feel feelings.
My children came along in my early thirties and showed me the folly of believing I was in control and could just knuckle down and try extra hard to maintain my image of success and goodness. Talk about exhausting and fruitless!
My forties were all about healing myself so I could better help others. It was my chance, in a more relaxed lifestyle in a very special part of the world, to express myself more freely. In this new town, I gave myself permission to follow my passions and find my people. I experimented with meditation, yoga, sound healing, toning, light languages, free flowing dance, long bush walks, women’s circles and retreats. I channelled past life figures for the first time and shared channelled messages in circle and on YouTube. I even sought out a Native American-style flute and played it for people.
I experienced a lot of neck, shoulder and back pain over these years and received some wonderful support from practitioners in kinesiology, osteopathy, massage, Body Talk and sound massage. But what I really needed to receive more wholly, was permission from myself to let go, relax, give less ‘effs’ and maybe start enjoying my own life? I was caught on a treadmill of ‘never enough.’ Especially when it came to my standards of work proficiency and business success.
What I’ve come to understand, is that I’m a very sensitive, highly empathic individual with an Autistic neurotype who has spiritual gifts. So, while I began experiencing and sharing these gifts more confidently in my forties, it hasn’t been until my fifties that I’ve properly understood all of the ways I need to give myself radical compassion, rest, time alone, energy treatments, time in nature, physical movement and meditation as a foundational way of living.
This is how we do it
Here’s three basic truths that underpin my channelling abilities. I must be:
- Connected to my physical body and live in compassionate reverence for it
- In communication with nature and Mother Earth herself
- Holding the awareness that I’m a multi-dimensional, eternal being who is more energetic than physical and is here to carry out important work for the collective
The ways that I cultivate these truths in my life vary from day to day and to be clear, I’m not perfect. Not by a long shot. My absolute musts are movement, connection to Mama Earth and presence. Moment by moment presence is one of my most treasured practices and it allows me to hear the voice of my inner wisdom, that much more clearly.
To come back to the present is something I do so automatically, it’s become difficult to describe it to others and it’s different depending on what I’m doing. When I’m working with clients, I bring focus to the centre of my body or I guess you might say, my heart space. It’s there that I’m calm and able to receive the guidance that’s available. This way of operating has become so familiar, it’s now easy for me to come back, as I must, time and time again. Like anyone else, I find the busy mind, very distracting.
Presence is an active practice
So here’s the point: You and I are more similar than we’re different. All humans struggle with worry, fear, procrastination, avoidance, delusion, anxiety, sadness, flatness, low energy and motivation and pissed offness. The only thing that may be different about me in this moment, is that 18 years ago, I made a commitment to myself to be more calm and patient with my kids and I began meditating most days. It all stemmed from that time.
And yet, I still need to move by body and meditate daily to be present, calm and patient. I haven’t reached any pinnacle of spirituality and I’m still essentially the same person I was back then. Just happier.
What I enjoy these days about the life I’ve carved out is that it serves my natural needs, tendencies and interests. I get to do work I enjoy, in an amount that’s manageable for my wellbeing. I spend lots of time alone writing, reading and listening to podcasts. I have likeminded friends and a supportive family. I’m connected to my body’s needs and feel appreciative towards it and I have a rich relationship with the natural world and our Mother.
Join me to experience my embodiment practices
Consider this your personal invitation to join me on Saturday January 25th on Zoom for a very special journey into presence with your physical body, our precious Mother Earth and your higher wisdom. Your Body is a Messenger has emerged from my decades of dedication to yoga, dance, music, meditation, channeling and healing myself and others.
Want to read part’s one and two?
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